How NOT to Get the Job Offer!

Un-employed

Be honest, you really aren’t interested in employment, are you? You just spent two years working your butt off to earn your master’s degree and you need a break. However, you are smart enough to know that you have to at least pretend to show a good faith effort of obtaining a job if you are going to convince your parents to pay your students loans, help with rent money, and for you to generate enough sympathy among your grad cohort.
Also, you have a dynamite resume that is bound to generate a lot of interest among employers. In that case, you need to learn what to say and do to guarantee that you won’t be offered the job after the interview. Here are my surefire ways to avoid being offered the job. Make sure you follow these if you want to be a burden to your family and go into collection on your student loans.

Arrive right when the first interview is scheduled to start, not early.
This way, you will have them wondering what happened to you or if you will show at all. Then when you do show up “on time” the interview won’t get started because of all the “settling down” that will need to occur (e.g., hanging up your coat, having them get you a glass of water, using the rest room).

Start the interview with a weak handshake and a banal comment about the weather.
Nothing says “I don’t want to be here” like handing the interviewer a dead fish for a hand and following that up with, “Hey, pretty cloudy out there today, huh?” Because you know that most interviewers in student affairs are untrained and will, therefore, tend to make their decision early in the interview, those first few moments are vital to undermining the chance you’ll get the job offer.

When asked “Tell me about yourself,” you answer by reciting your resume.
You will want to bore them, so give them information they already know because they will have read your resume. Avoid telling them WHO you are, what’s important to you, and how you show up in a job, because that might impress them. And definitely be sure to tell them you are a people person and that your single biggest weakness if that you “take on too much.”

Don’t do any homework.
“So, what do you know about our institution?” is a typical question. You can continue your downward spiral by making sure you don’t Google the unit, division, institution, or any of its members. It will go a long way of communicating your lack of actual interest in the position.

Don’t ask any questions at the end of the interview.
If you have accidently done some homework and make the mistake of sharing some of what you learned, you can rectify that by not having any questions when you reach the point of the interview where the interviewer turns the table and offers to answer the questions you have. Tell the person you don’t have any because this will communicate a nice level of arrogance that you know everything you need to know about the job and institution.

Be sure to ask the specifics about salary and perks in the middle of the interview.
You want to make sure that the interviewer knows your priorities are disordered. They know that salary is important, but you want to make sure you communicate that it is more important than the specifics about the position or the institution.

Don’t send a follow up thank you message (not email, not a card, not anything).
If they were unsure of your lack of interest in the position, not communicating afterwards really should do the trick. Any questions regarding your lack of interest in being offered the job should be answered.

Last chance!
Okay, despite your best efforts somehow they are still interested in you and they contact you in order to check your references. In order to prepare for this eventuality here are some things to do to make sure the reference checking process is a challenge for everyone:
-Don’t actually ask someone to be a reference, just put him or her on your reference list.
-Don’t send your references your resume or any other information; just assume they know everything there is to know about you and the job you are applying for.

Let’s face it, you are going to work the rest of your life, actively avoiding actual employment is a legitimate quest. Do these things and you will have plenty of time to catch up on Scandal and The Walking Dead.

Enjoy your time off!

Follow me at @pglove33

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